Learning Experiences 2 - Can't Preach

In the summer of 1998, I surrendered to what I was convinced then and now was God's calling upon my life to preach (2 Timothy 4:2).  I remember the day very clearly in my mind.  All I ever wanted to know was for sure that God was truly "in it" because I didn't know enough to be afraid of it.  And over the next few weeks God witnessed in my first attempts at preaching His word that He truly was "in it." And thus I began to prepare sermons by studying passages and writing down a few things about those passages that I felt like God wanted me to say.  So with much prayer, much study, much trembling, and a few notes in some form of an outline, I would enter into any pulpit or preaching appointment that God allowed.  I am glad most of those early sermons are not recorded, but I do have the old notebooks (which Erika says that it is a miracle that anything of logical thought came from such a mess of notes) which contained those early sermons.

Anyway, over 15 years, I had developed a sermon template not too unlike the one to the right (although I realize that you can't read that one).  It had a place for introduction, main thought, background, points, explanations, illustrations, etc.  It kept me on task, from running too many rabbits, quoting people properly, using the original languages well, and thinking out application beforehand.  But it was where I was comfortable.  I had preached that way for years.  I didn't read my sermons.  If you had ever seen me preach, I wasn't "tied" to my notes.  I kinda passed by them every once in a while, but they were there.

Then all this seizure stuff started.  And one of the medicines that they put me on was called Topomax.  Side effects were numerous.  1) Weight loss, not too bad right, lost 10 lbs in two weeks without even trying, eating everything I wanted! 2) Tingling feet, tolerable, it comes and goes.  3) Carbonated beverage taste, makes them taste horrible, all of them.  So I haven't had a root beer, a sprite, a cherry fanta, a ginger ale, a punch at a shower in months.  As someone with a similar condition put it the other day, "if there was a pool of root beer (they inserted diet coke) they could dive into the middle and drink it all from the bottom up.  This is not fun to endure.  4) Brain function, it gets better, but it started out bad.  I couldn't think of words that I knew, couldn't remember my own email address, and a lot of other things.

But the reason that I wrote this blog piece was that I couldn't write a sermon outline.  It just wouldn't come together in my mind.  I would read and study and think as usual, talk to people as usual, be fired up over the richness of the text and the truth contained therein, and then sit down to write some notes, and stare at the paper or screen.  So I printed out the text, and thought I would start there.  Nothing.  I was really excited about the passage, but no outline would come.  I just couldn't put it together in a logical, helpful, expository way.  So for days when I would sit down to write, and nothing came; I would think, I will try again tomorrow.  Then tomorrow, same song, second verse.  I told my assistant that she would not have an outline to put together a PowerPoint this week (because she only works through Thurs).  I don't usually work on Friday, but I went in on Friday to get a sermon finished, but nada.  Saturday morning early another shot, same result.

So on Sunday morning (because there are only so many days in a week), I went to the pulpit with what I had--this print off of the text I was using (John 13:18-30) that was scribbled all over and something I had relearned.  Seriously, it had some words circled, some words underlined or double underlined.  It had lines drawn this way and that way across the text.  It had little notes and asterisks at different places in different colored ink.  It had three little points at the bottom with just numbers. It was a mess.

And so was I.  And that was what I had relearned.  I had relearned to tremble.  I began my sermon with an apology to the congregation for what was about to be a disaster of a sermon because of Topomax.  Then I prayed with all my heart (as I had been for days) for the divine assistance that I needed.  And I realized that the dependence upon Him and the Spirit had been replaced with a comfort in my own abilities and preparation.  And once those things were taken away, or at least their manifestation through my notes, I remembered from whence my power came, and who had called me.  I learned what Paul learned in 2 Corinthians 1:9, 3:5, 4:7, 12:7-10, that trials teach us that self-sufficiency should die and God-dependency should reign.

Something was very different in my proclamation that morning.  The Holy Spirit was evidenced in His anointing.  I sensed it, the congregation sensed it, and He began to work in me and in them in a fresh way through the pulpit ministry.  I know in part because I relearned that sense of trembling that I used to feel when I first began to preach; when I began to depend on God afresh.  And for several weeks, even though I began with apologies and no notes, God spoke.  And people are still noting the anointing, as I am still trying to maintain the complete dependence that I felt when my way of preaching was taken away; even though now it is returning as the effects of the medication are not as severe.

Where is your confidence?  Do you breathe God-ignoring air, trusting in your own abilities?

Make sure you read Learning Experiences 1 and Learning Experiences 3.

Hope they minister to you!

Learning Experiences 1 - Epilepsy

Not quite sure where to start...I want to share an experience that has captured my life for the last seven months or so.  It has also turned the lives of my wife and kids upside down, and affected my faith family, extended family, and friends too.  It has been a medical condition that I have had for over 20 years, but has only recently become more than a footnote in my life.  In fact, most of you, as friends and acquaintances have only come to know about this condition in the past few months.

I had my first epileptic seizure somewhere in the neighborhood of 12 years old. This is not uncommon for someone with JME or Juvenile Myoclonic Epilepsy. Until I was about 19, my seizures only came about 1-2 times a year, and always within the first 30 min or so after I woke up. They were triggered by sleep deprivation. I saw docs, took meds, nothing fixed it; just got my sleep, and was pretty good. 

In NC, marriage, ME, kids, and moving to GA, for 12 years, my seizures decided to vanish. No meds, do docs, back to getting up in the middle of the night--GONE.

Guess I'm allergic to GA, because since since I've moved here, they have returned (along with having to take meds for acid reflux and high cholesterol). Went to Peru one time and boom, they were back. No other explanation.  I believe that it had to do with spiritual warfare and us working in an area of darkness and absence of the gospel, because they always centered around Peru trips. Anyway, similar very predictable circumstances and similar frequency--rare and early in the morning around Peru trips.  So, took my meds, got my rest, was extra careful around Peru trips, and I was good.

Then symptoms (myoclonic jerks that sometimes accompany JME, and sometimes precede grand mal seizures, although with me, 99% of the time they didn't) increased.  So, my doc decided to try an additional medicine to control those.  It was a good choice, except that I had a bad reaction, and the jerks got better, but the grand mals got worse.  They went from one per year to one per month to one per week!  And so began the experience of having epilepsy take a significant spot in my life, rather than simply a minor side note (one of those boxes you had to check on a medical history form when you change doctors).

So now I have been through two more meds and their side affects, while coming off of the bad one.  I have been to the doctor more times than I can count.  I have been to the Mayo Clinic in Jacksonville (wonderful experience, I truly recommend it to anyone who needs specialty neurological care).  There I think I learned more about my condition (including a firm diagnosis of JME) in 40 minutes than I have in 25 years.  I have been through multiple advanced testings.  And my family and church family has seen more seizures than they care to, and hope that they've seen the last.  Although, we are still not done adjusting and changing all the medications.

So I have shared all of this to say that the Lord has been so faithful.  His mercies are new every morning (Lamentations 3:22-24).  What I have taught with my lips for years to those who are suffering, now I know by heart, even though my trial is so minor compared to most. I am learning to count it a joy (James 1:2) as I fix my eyes on the genuine Treasure in the field (Matthew 13:44) and realize that health and driving and self-sufficiency are not my treasures; Christ is.  I have learned who my family truly is (Mark 3:33-35, John 13:35), as many have surrounded me, picked me up when I have fallen (literally), picked up my kids and taken them to school, called, emailed, come by to check on me, given me rides, etc. The verses about suffering working for me an eternal weight of glory (2 Corinthians 4:17), and not being worthy to be compared with the glory that will be revealed in us (Romans 8:18) have taken on a truer meaning.

And these are just some of the learning experiences, and I am sure that there are many more to follow.  There are two more that I want to tell you about specifically in the next two blog entries, Learning Experiences 2 and Learning Experiences 3.  Maybe these will minister to you.